


blinded by the lights

by hunnybabez



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Dissociation, Falling In Love, Finntrospection, Fluff and Angst, Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Insecurity, M/M, Miscommunication, POV Alternating, Self-Discovery, Shara Bey's Ring, just a lil bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23191723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunnybabez/pseuds/hunnybabez
Summary: Poe tries to keep the pain of it all in the back of his head, knowing that Finn is here with him now. Anyways, it’s not like he doesn’t enjoy seeing the absolutely priceless look on Finn’s face when he discovers something. Despite the twinges of pain, there’s something else there, too. Something that’s separate from the sadness, separate from the pride he feels at all Finn’s overcome.Eventually, Poe understands that feeling as love.(Snippets from Finn and Poe's lives together, as their relationship progresses.)
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 21
Kudos: 41





	1. beauty | chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title from  blinding lights by the weeknd   
> more notes at the bottom!

Most of Finn’s time is spent discovering. Even in the middle of catastrophe, he still manages to find something new about the world, something to get excited about. Something that the First Order stole from him, Poe always thinks — it’s hard not to be angry or sad when Finn is so astonished by things Poe has taken for granted his entire life. It hurts him, thinking about how Finn grew up with no family, no warmth or love or freedom; but at the same time, he can’t help but be so proud. Against all odds, Finn resisted against the most oppressive and powerful regime the universe has ever known — and he won. Despite everything counting against him, he escaped.

Poe tries to keep the pain of it all in the back of his head, knowing that Finn is here with him now. Anyways, it’s not like he doesn’t enjoy seeing the absolutely priceless look on Finn’s face when he discovers something. Despite the twinges of pain, there’s something else there, too. Something that’s separate from the sadness, separate from the pride he feels at all Finn’s overcome.

Eventually, Poe understands that feeling as love.

—

One of Finn’s favorite memories is this: 

It’s a few weeks after establishing a base on Ajan Kloss. Things are still being built, everyone is still recovering from Crait; and in the midst of it all, there’s still a war being fought. It has been a bit less hectic, if anything, given that anyone has time to recover at all — Finn can’t say it’s been easy, but it hasn’t been quite so bad, either. 

The decline has given him a little more time to think about himself and his place in the world. He wants to be a part of the Resistance. Finn looks back on the months following his escape from the Starkiller, at all the times he almost ran away. He still feels guilty ― but now, he’s sure of his place here. Finn’s got more freedom than he’s ever known possible; regardless, his uncertainty of what the future holds remains. This is one of the only things that Finn finds is still the same, between life as FN-2187 and life as himself — each day, he wakes up with a lingering feeling in the back of his head that maybe, today will be his last.

The difference? Now, he looks forward to waking up.

Speaking of which. He suddenly finds himself being shaken awake by strong, calloused hands. His back is against a mat in a small tent with most of the Resistance following suit around him. It’s a makeshift sleeping quarters, a placeholder until proper rooms are built. Finn is exhausted, even as he wakes. The day before had been ripe with base construction, to which he had insisted on being a part of. He doesn’t regret it one bit — he wants to feel useful, even if it makes his back ache. It’s no wonder why he’d been out so cold, or why it takes so long for his mind to be fully brought to consciousness. 

“Finn. Finn. Buddy, wake up.”

Finn blinks himself awake, blearily looking at the sight above him: Poe Dameron, hair wild, eyes tired but twinkling. _One hell of a sight to wake up to_ , Finn thinks to himself, as he yawns and props himself up on his elbows. Poe’s hands woefully leave his shoulders, from where he’d shaken Finn awake. 

“Poe? What time is it?” He whispers, hyper aware of everyone sleeping around him. The last thing he wants to do is be the reason General Organa is cranky in the morning.

“Just about five. Can I show you something?”

Five isn’t bad; His body still has trouble sleeping past five-thirty, so he probably wouldn’t have gotten much more sleep if Poe hadn’t woke him up.

“Um, sure,” Finn yawns again, and notices that Poe is fully dressed. He looks down at himself, in his underclothes to survive the jungle climate of Ajan Kloss. “Can I change first?”

Through the darkness, Finn can see how Poe’s eyes flicker to his chest, and quickly back up. “Yeah. I’ll wait outside,” Poe whispers. Finn hopes he isn’t imagining that blush, but he doesn’t have much time to look before Poe is getting up and leaving the tent. 

A few minutes later, Finn emerges from the tent dressed in a combination of hand-me-downs from Poe and things he’d managed to find himself. He doesn’t have many clothes from his own accord, but his wardrobe is slowly expanding. It makes him smile a little bit when he thinks about it.

Poe looks at him funny, and then he smiles, too. “Follow me.” he whispers, and Finn does. 

(Privately, he thinks: _I would follow you anywhere._ )

They weave their way through a barrage of tents. Finn notes how quiet it is, and then warms at the thought that he’s getting used to being here, after being in the First Order for so long. He hasn’t forgotten, not even close. But as he spends another day with the Resistance, free, with people who care about him the way no one ever has — he finds that slowly, this is becoming his normal.

“Where are we going?” Finn asks, when they’re far away enough from the tents. 

“I was doing some exploring earlier — couldn’t sleep,” he briefly elaborates. Poe’s quiet excitement attributes to this. “I found this really cool place, I want you to see it.” 

“You want me to see?” Finn smiles, looking at Poe. He looks almost manic, like this. It makes sense, since he’s apparently running on no sleep.

Poe looks back at him, the corner of his mouth quirked up. “Yeah, buddy. Of course.”

It’s hard to look right at him for more than a few seconds, and even that makes him feel a little dizzy, so Finn is quick to turn away as he narrowly avoids a branch by ducking under it. Finn can’t help but idly wonder if the honey-thick tension is just him, or if Poe feels it, too. Finn wonders if he’ll ever find out.

The two of them fall into comfortable silence as they walk. Finn’s not sure how much time passes, but it can’t have been that long, because it’s still dark when Poe speaks up again. 

“Kinda steep, here.” He slowly slides down a small hill of dirt and pebbles, and Finn follows suit. They begin to walk along a small stream, the path narrow enough that Finn has to walk behind Poe, instead of next to him. 

“Where are we going?” Finn asks again.

“You’ll see,” Poe says, and Finn supposes that’s the best he’s going to get.

They walk along the stream for another few minutes. Quietly, at first, appears the sound of rushing water. It’s only then that Finn gets some sort of idea where they’re going, but he decides not to mention it. Instead, they continue to walk in comfortable silence. 

(Finn tries not to look at Poe’s ass, and then tries not to think about why he wants to look at Poe’s ass, both of which are very difficult not to do. It’s dark, though, so at least it’s harder to see.)

Eventually, the path starts to widen. Poe stops walking, hands on his hips. “We’re here,” he announces. Finn stands next to him, looking off at a small waterfall. At the bottom is a natural pool, surrounded by large rocks. From where they’re standing, it’s a short way down the rocks. 

“Oh, wow.” Finn murmurs. Even in the dark, it’s a beautiful image.

Impulsively, he reaches out and holds Poe’s hand. To his relief, Poe doesn’t get annoyed, or flinch away — he just squeezes Finn’s hand, and keeps their hands interlocked, like it’s normal. Maybe this is already normal.

“Yeah, buddy. I think it’ll look nice when the sun rises, too. At least, I hope,” he chuckles. “Otherwise this would have been for nothing.”

“Not for nothing,” Finn looks at him, squeezing his hand like Poe just had done with him. Poe smiles so sweetly — even in the dark, Finn thinks he might be blushing.

“You wanna swim?” Poe asks him suddenly. 

“Uh—“ Finn hesitates at first, only because he can’t remember the last time he swam. In a training course, maybe. “Sure. Why the hell not?”

Poe gives him a toothy grin, and starts to step down the rocks. Finn follows suit — four rocks later, they’re at the bottom. Poe pulls his shirt off, undoing his belt, taking off his shoes, then his pants, until he’s in nothing but his underwear. Finn follows suit, and focuses on how he’s getting undressed instead of the man next to him. Poe leaves his clothes in a messy pile on the ground, immediately wading into the water without reserve. Finn, on the other hand, takes the time to fold his clothes and set them down on one of the rocks, only then stepping n into the water.

The water is cold, but not unpleasant. It feels great on his back, enough that he breathes out a content sigh once his scar is fully submerged. Finn stays there, swaying his legs in water that comes up to his neck. Poe, meanwhile, swims toward the waterfall, disappears under it for a few seconds, and then swims out soaking wet. Finn laughs, and to prove a point, ducks his head under the water for a second and runs his hands through his hair as he comes out. His hair isn’t long, not like Poe’s, but it’s longer than it’s ever been in his life. 

“This is really nice.” Finn smiles at him. “Thanks for bringing me here.”

“Yeah?” Poe swims toward him, standing up so that they face each other. “I’m glad you like it, buddy.”

Finn feels that same tension from earlier, and the way Poe’s looking at him feels — there’s no way this is just me, right? 

“There’s a waterfall just like this on Yavin 4,” Poe whispers. His eyes flicker down to Finn’s lips, and back up to meet his gaze. “Maybe I’ll take you there one day.” 

Finn smiles, letting himself drift a little closer to Poe. “I’d like that.”

A few seconds go by. The pair find themselves drawn toward each other, much closer than they’d started out. For the first time, Finn thinks that maybe — maybe, Poe is really about to kiss him.

It’s the sun that comes between them, as the air suddenly gets warmer, and their surroundings, slowly, begin to brighten. Poe looks up, and smiles so big that Finn doesn’t even mind he isn’t being kissed right now. If whatever is happening between them is real, it will come to fruition when the time is right. If Finn has to wait, then wait he will.

Finn looks up, and then off to the side, gaping at the sight before him. The world is enveloped in orange and yellow, wispy clouds of the same hues strewn all over the sky. He’s seen sunrises and sunsets, but nothing like this. Or maybe, he’s just never had the chance to appreciate the sight, always fearing for his life if he stepped out of line. 

Stormtroopers aren’t supposed to find things beautiful. And yet, here he is, finding beauty everywhere in the Universe. In the plants, the animals, the sky — the people. He thinks of Rey, Rose, General Organa, and Poe, each of whom he finds so astoundingly beautiful in entirely separate ways. It makes him wonder: how much beauty had the First Order kept from him? How much is left, waiting for Finn to discover? 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Finn hears Poe say. He feels a hand on his shoulder. “You okay? You’re crying.”

“What?” He blinks at Poe, suddenly realizing his cheeks are wet and his vision is blurry. “Oh,” Finn quickly wipes his eyes, laughing quietly as he does. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Poe murmurs, concerned. “Are you okay?” he asks again.

Finn thinks about it. _If Phasma saw me now, what would she say?_ He berates himself for even thinking about it ― Phasma is not his mother. She may have played a part in raising him, but she is not a part of who Finn is. Phasma is just another cog in a machine, stripped of any identity to make a ruthless leader, blindly following The First Order. This is something Poe has drilled into Finn’s head (but not in the way he was used to, in an entirely different way that makes him feel warm and loved and _whole_ ) over and over again, something he still has to remind himself at times. 

_I am more than the First Order. I am a person. I am worth something._

“Yeah, yeah,” he sucks in a short breath, looking at the sky again. Finn smiles. “I’m amazing.”

― 

“Amazing is pretty good.” Poe moves his hand from Finn’s shoulder to the upper middle of his back, rubbing small circles with the ball of his palm. He lets Finn have his moment, because hell if he doesn’t need it. Poe’s seen what a war can do to someone (he sees that part of himself in Finn) and Finn has seen so much, more than he’s ever told anyone, Poe is sure of it. He wishes Finn would tell him everything, but doesn’t blame him for it. How the hell do you open up about something you thought was normal for 23 years? Poe dreads to think about everything that Finn _still thinks_ is normal, all of the abuse he hasn’t had a chance to recover from yet.

Maybe he’s projecting a little bit. _Still._ Finn needs some beauty in his life. Poe would give him everything, if he had the chance.

Right now, he does.

Realistically. Finn is _right there ―_ comfortable under Poe’s touch, relaxed. He looks beautiful bathed in orange light, with an expression of pure wonder. Poe wants to kiss him.

He wants to. 

He could.

But he doesn’t.

“You know how to float on your back?” Poe asks instead, needing to say _something_ (because he’s scared if he stays quiet for any longer, he’ll do something stupid). Finn looks at him, a little confused, but happy.

“I’ve never tried it. Is it fun?” 

“It’s peaceful. Watch.” Poe demonstrates it by tilting his head back and letting his legs float up until he’s level with the water. He stays like that, arms behind his head, floating. “Like that.” 

Finn tries it. It’s easy, and he doesn’t seem to be struggling, so Poe lets his eyes drift closed. Warm skin brushes against his arm, letting him know Finn is floating next to him. 

_I want to hold his hand._

“You said there was a waterfall like this on Yavin 4?” 

“Huh?” Poe opens his eyes for a second, looks at Finn, and then tilts his head back down. “Oh. Yeah, there is. What’s got you thinking about that?” 

“I haven’t been to a lot of planets,” Finn admits. “What’s Yavin 4 like?” 

Hearing Finn say that ― it just makes his heart ache. If there’s anyone who deserves to see the Universe, it’s him. Poe promises himself that one day, he'll make sure Finn sees all of it. “It’s a jungle planet, a lot like here, or D’Qar.” He closes his eyes again, trying to picture it. It’s been too long since he’s been home. He wonders how his Dad is doing. “Mostly rebel families. Lot of country folk,” he drawls, just for the effect. 

“Do you miss it?”

Poe sighs. “Every damn day.”

Finn hesitates. “Are you gonna go back there, after everything is over?” 

“I don’t know if it’s ever gonna be over, buddy.” As much as he’d like to be an optimist, it’s true. His parents spent their lives fighting for the same cause Poe is, right now. It’s hard to think about settling down one day, especially when he’d certainly _like to_. But Poe is already thirty-two, and the war is still raging on as it was when he was born.

“But if it is?” 

“Ideally, yeah. I’d love to go home.” He pauses. “I miss my dad a lot. You’d like him, I think. He’s a good guy.” 

“If he’s anything like you, I doubt we’ll get along.” Finn laughs.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Poe swats blindly at him, hitting him in the chest. Finn only laughs harder, and _Force,_ he could get used to that sound.

“I’m just saying!” 

“Asshole,” Poe murmurs, closing his eyes once more. The temperature must have raised at least ten degrees since they first arrived, and he isn’t complaining at all. Probably just because he’s almost naked. The sun feels good against his skin ― he can almost picture himself as a teenager again, back in Yavin 4.

“It’s really warm.” Finn says, practically reading Poe’s mind the way he always does. Poe’s not sure how he does it. “Warmer than I’m used to. I like it.” He hears the water shift next to him, so he opens his eyes and watches Finn dive underneath the water and come back up a few seconds later. Poe sucks in a breath, watching the way drops of water drip down his chest. If Finn notices this, he doesn’t say anything.

“We should probably go soon,” Poe says, trying not to feel bad when Finn’s shoulder slump in disappointment. “Sorry, buddy. I don’t want everyone to ask where we were.” 

“Why does it matter where we are?” Finn asks, confused.

“Well, um,” Poe thinks about a better way to put this. He doesn’t want to admit that if Jess or General Organa see him and Finn come back together, soaking wet, that he’s going to get a lot of unwanted questions with complicated answers. 

“I don’t want anyone finding this place.” he settles on instead. It’s not exactly a lie. “This place can be our secret. How’s that sound?” He moves his legs down so he’s standing, and pushes his hair away from his face.

Finn squints at him. “Can I bring Rey here?”

Poe’s heart breaks a little, and hopes his face doesn’t show it. “Sure you can, buddy.” 

“Okay,” Finn smiles, then dips back underwater once more before swimming to shore. Poe desperately tries to ignore how sexy the man looks as he climbs out of the water, and definitely avoids looking at the way his wet under-shorts cling to his ass. Most of all, he _absolutely does not imagine what Finn’s lower half would look like right now if he turned around…_

Instead, Poe pulls himself out of the pool, shaking his hair out as best as he can. He puts his clothes on with his back facing Finn, not daring to let himself see if the other is watching (even though he hopes he is). Poe grimaces as the dry fabric touches his wet skin.

“Should have brought towels,” he mumbles. “Sorry about that.” 

“It’s fine.” Poe hears what he thinks is the sound of boots, so he turns around, assuming it’s safe ― to his relief ( _disappointment?_ ) Finn is fully dressed.

“Ready to go?” Poe asks, hands on his hips.

“Yeah. Let’s go back.” 

They climb over the rocks, walk back along the path, and help each other climb back over the steep hill of pebbles. When they get back, Poe does not go to sleep; it isn’t the first sleepless night he’s had, and it won’t be the last. 

He spends the rest of the day thinking about the look on Finn’s face when he saw the sunrise. 


	2. pain | chapter 2

Finn’s life in the First Order had been scheduled down to the minute. Each of his waking moments were monitored, and he spent them training, cleaning, eating, showering, and sleeping. There was no free time, no real change until the very end. For most of his life, Finn was fine with that. Not because he liked it, but because it was all he knew. He didn’t like thinking about being reconditioned, didn’t like how he was punished, didn’t like training, didn’t like being alive: But he was fine with it.

Then Jakku happened — and — well. 

Here he is now, not FN-2187. Finn. Finn, the human being, who is complex and valuable and not a machine. 

Sometimes, it helps to think about _Finn_ and _FN-2187_ separately. 

Finn is a hero. Finn escaped the First Order. Finn has saved lives. 

FN-2187 is a coward. FN-2187 ran away. FN-2187 is selfish. 

Before _Starkiller_ , his life was a short cycle, one that he did not enjoy but went through anyway because he didn’t know there was another choice. Now, Finn never knows what’s going to happen next. It’s _wonderful_. For the first time in his life, he’s actually _happy._

But.

Finn is used to following rules. It’s not that the world outside of the First Order doesn’t have them — it’s more like a completely different set of rules, far too many to put in a chant or a song like he’d been forced to memorize when he was a child. Now, the punishment is purely social. Logically, this should be _nothing_ to Finn, compared to any single major event of his life before the escape. Instead, it hurts in a way he’s never hurt before.

Finn has always felt different, but not like this. He’s never felt like such an outsider. Before, he could at least blend in easily — now, it’s like there’s always a big flashing sign over his head that says ‘Ex-Stormtrooper’ on it.

He feels empty.

If there’s anything from his Stormtrooper days that brings him comfort, it’s continuity. This is an anomaly in the Resistance, but with his newfound freedom, he can sometimes create it for himself. This is how he ends up back at the waterfall on Ajan Kloss, the same one Poe had shown him months ago. By now, he’s sure it isn’t a secret — everyone’s done their fair share of exploring ― but Finn can pretend that it’s a sacred place, one that only he and Poe know about. He comes here whenever he can; not that he has much time to himself, but a little free time is far better than none at all.

Finn sits cross-legged on a rock, concentrating on the waterfall. Over the last few months, it’s gotten bigger, faster; more powerful. Subtly, and only a little bit each time it rains, but Finn notices it. He’s always been good at noticing, _sensing_. He can feel the way the universe is changing, especially now, with his bare feet and hands touching the stone beneath him. There’s this _thing_ he can feel, something almighty and beautiful and terrifying that runs through Ajan Kloss — through the galaxy — through him. Finn has always felt it, but even more now that he’s free. Before _Jakku_ _,_ he’d thought it was normal, or at least normal enough that he could push it down and ignore it. How could he have known otherwise?

Now, it’s hard to imagine himself having the same sensitivity as Rey. _Force-sensitivity._ The more he learns about it, the more he thinks — _maybe._ But attributing the same all-powerful Force to him, the same Force that Rey has? That _Luke Skywalker_ had? It all seems so implausible. Finn isn’t powerful, not like that. He can’t move rocks with his mind, or change people’s intentions, like Rey can. He certainly can’t steal thoughts, like Kylo Ren did. And Finn is the furthest thing from a legend like Luke Skywalker.

Still, Finn can’t help but think, _what if._ How else can he explain the unexplainable? 

Like how he knows Poe is coming before he hears the sound of boots on soil. In the front of his mind, he’ll tell himself that he’s just memorized the way it sounds when Poe walks. He will tell himself that this is a normal thing to recognize. 

The footsteps get louder, and then they stop: Poe is behind him. Finn can picture him with his hands in his pockets, and the way his shoulders are always tight with tension. Even though he’s not looking at Poe, just his presence is enough to make Finn want to reach out with loving hands and knead the stress away. 

“Hey, buddy.” Poe says, at last. “I was lookin’ for you. You okay?” 

Finally, Finn turns his head so he can see Poe. The pilot is standing there sheepishly, like he’s just interrupted something private — as if Finn would ever be bothered by him being there. Finn just can’t help but smile. 

“Yeah, I’m good.” It isn’t exactly a lie, now that Poe’s here. Finn looks back at the waterfall. “Come sit with me.”

There’s a brief pause before he hears Poe walk forward, climbing down to where Finn is sitting. He sits on the rock closest to Finn before he unties his boots, takes them off (along with his socks) and sets them on the nearest flat surface (another rock). Finn watches as he rolls up his pants (he doesn’t think about why his face feels warm, looking at Poe’s _calves_ of all things) and lets his legs dangle off the edge, feet in the water. 

Poe looks so serene like this, looking out at the waterfall. His sleeves are rolled up, his shirt unbuttoned to reveal the chain underneath it. The wind toussels his hair enough that Poe runs a hand through it — Finn sucks in a breath and looks away. He won’t blush (he does) and he won’t think about this later (he will).

“You come here a lot?” Poe asks, glancing over at him.

“Sometimes.” Finn pulls both of his knees against his chest, holding them close.

“Me too.” Poe smiles. In a half-mimic of Finn’s posture, he brings one of his legs up so he can rest his arm on his knee. He leans back, bracing himself with his free hand. “D’you wanna talk about it?”

“I said I was fine.” He doesn’t mean to sound so harsh, but he cringes when he hears himself. “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Poe says, meaning it. “I just…” his eyebrows furrow, like he’s searching for the right words. Finn finds it impossibly endearing. “I get worried about you sometimes.”

Hearing that makes his heart warm, but still, the idea that somebody cares for him seems almost too far-fetched to believe. He supposes by now he should be used to it, but still, he asks: “Why?”

Poe looks at him like he’s speaking gibberish. “You know, the whole,” he gestures vaguely with his hands. “Adjusting to life after being a Stormtrooper, fighting for the other side, thing.”

Finn laughs. “You asking me if I miss it?”

“No!” Poe says, too quickly. The way his eyes bulge make him cartoonish. “No. it’s just, well, it’s been awhile, but it's gotta take awhile to get used to, right? All of this.”

“It does,” Finn pauses. “It has.”

Poe nods. He licks his lips. Finn can’t help but look. “If you need anything — if there’s anything you want to know, just ask.”

The offer is tempting. He thinks about it, for a second, and one question comes to mind. “What’s the ring you wear around your neck?”

The pilot blinks, like he’s forgotten about it. He pulls the ring out from under his shirt, holding it between two fingers. “This?”

“Yeah.”

Poe smiles, soft and lopsided. “I meant, if you wanted to know anything about — uh, life outside of the Order, not _me._ ”

“Maybe I want to know about you.” Finn glances at him, noticing the way he’s blushing. Poe looks at him; Finn knows he must be blushing, too. 

This isn’t the first time Finn thinks Poe is going to kiss him. It won’t be the last.

—

This isn’t the first time Poe wants to kiss Finn. It won’t be the last.

He wants to. Believe it, he really, _really fucking wants to._ He thinks about doing it even when their faces aren’t a foot apart, even when it wouldn’t be so _easy_ to just _lean forward_ and _do it_ — he thinks about kissing Finn in the morning, in the mess hall, even when he’s in the hanger doing maintenance on his X-Wing. He thinks about it so much it drives him absolutely _mad_.

But he doesn’t. He won’t. He can’t.

Finn might not even be queer — Poe knows he’s been interested in Rey, maybe still is. He knows that Rose kissed him — Finn says he doesn’t have feelings for her, but wouldn’t she be better for him than someone like him?

Poe is too broken for Finn, and too old.

(He will tell himself that until they finally get together, and Finn will have to tell him otherwise for the rest of their lives.)

“It was my mom’s.” Poe says, instead of following through on the impulse. He convinces himself that Finn doesn’t look disappointed. “My dad gave it to me after she died.”

 _Way to ruin the mood by talking about your dead mom,_ he thinks.

“I guess it’s kind of a good luck charm,” Self consciously, he twirls the chain around his finger. 

“You haven’t died yet.” Finn points out. “It must be working.”

Poe chuckles. “Maybe.”

They’re silent for a minute or two until Finn speaks up again.

“Can I see it? Uh, not if you don’t want to take it off, or—“

Wordlessly, Poe pulls it off from the back and hands it to Finn, who accepts it hesitantly. He cradles it like he’s never held something so precious.

“It’s beautiful.” Finn murmurs. Poe can tell he means it.

“It’s a steel washer.” he laughs. “I think it’s from an old piece of rebel tech. Or Dad just says that to impress me.” Poe smiles wider than he has in ages. It’s hard, fighting a war. Talking to Finn, being around him ― it makes everything a little easier.

“I love it.” 

When Poe looks at Finn, he’s privately delighted to see him smiling wide, too. His gaze drifts down to where the ring is, held delicately between Finn’s fingers on one hand while he runs his fingertips over the metal. Poe almost wants to tell Finn to try it on — somehow, this one time, he manages to keep his stupid mouth shut.

Finn hands the ring back to Poe, more relaxed this time. With ease, Poe pulls the necklace back over his head and tucks it into his shirt. Out of the corner of his eye, he thinks Finn might be looking at his chest. This dawns over Poe like he’s just learned a good secret.

 _Could Finn feel the same way?_ It’s nice to imagine, but Poe hasn’t felt very optimistic lately. Still, how can he pretend he doesn’t see the little signs? 

When Poe looks at him, Finn’s eyes flicker up to Poe’s, meeting them. Quickly, he looks away. Poe can’t help but smirk.

Despite this, he would sooner let BB-8 run over his foot a thousand times then make a move on someone he might be in love with.

“So. You gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Poe knows he shouldn’t push, but dammit, he really does care about Finn. Life has been far too cruel on him. Hell if Poe hasn’t gone through some terrible shit himself. He knows, more than anyone, what it’s like to be afraid. it’s only worse when you’re alone.

Finn’s smile slowly fades in a way that breaks Poe’s heart and makes him wish he hadn’t said anything. He sighs, and for a second Poe thinks he’s mad, until he nods and says, “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” Finn smiles a little bit, and scoots over on the rock he’s sitting on. “But you have to sit on the same rock as me.”

Poe grins, and carefully maneuvers over until their sides are flush against each other. It’s tight, but the rock is big enough to just barely fit the two of them. Being this close to Finn is simultaneously the hardest and easiest thing he’s ever done, but regardless, Poe relishes the feeling of their bare legs pressed together. It’s a small taste of what he’s wanted for so long. He closes his eyes and sighs, thinking about what it might feel to lay down with Finn and hold him, or be held himself.

His eyes open when he feels Finn’s hand around his own, holding tight. Even after all this time, he’s still not used to the other’s chronic hand-holding. Not in a bad way, just in the way that makes his heart skip a beat. Poe looks at their joined hands, and then at Finn. He almost jumps when he sees that Finn is looking right at him, and it hits him again how close they are, far closer than before. 

“Is this okay?” Finn asks, concerned. Still, his hand remains tight around Poe’s own. He looks away, smiling fondly. “Rey always gets annoyed,” he shakes his head, like he’s remembering something fond.

Poe tries to not have a visceral reaction to the reminder that this isn’t special — Finn’s just touch starved, that’s all. If he does, Finn doesn’t seem to notice.

“Well, I ain’t Rey, that’s for damn sure.” Poe laughs softly, as if it were a joke. Really, the statement is riddled with insecurity. Still. He looks at Finn, full of all the affection he’s too afraid to give to him. “Buddy, you can hold my hand as much as you want.”

What he really means is this: _You can touch me whenever, wherever, however you want._

— 

Finn smiles big: he’d hold Poe’s hand all day if he could. He likes holding Rey’s hand, too, but there’s something different when it’s with Poe (something special). His hands are rough and calloused, but still soft and comfortable against Finn’s. Poe’s hands are always a little sweaty, unlike Rey’s, but Finn doesn’t mind. It just makes him want to hold on tighter. 

“Okay. Thanks.” He gives Poe’s hand a squeeze as he looks away. For a couple of minutes, Finn doesn’t say anything as he finds the words to describe how he feels. Poe lets him have his moment, which Finn is incredibly grateful for. 

“I guess I’m just having trouble adjusting,” he says quietly, after awhile. “I feel like a part of me is missing.”

“The Stormtrooper part?” Poe asks, matching Finn’s volume. 

“Not really,” he sighs. “That part is gone. I don’t know, it’s like… nothing else is filling that space. Does that make sense?” Finn looks at Poe, hoping he understands.

“Kinda.” His eyebrows furrow. “Yeah, I think it does. I wish I could—“ Inexplicably, the other man’s mouth snaps shut. 

Finn raises an eyebrow at him. “What?”

“Nevermind,” he waves a hand. Despite this, he continues to talk. “I meant, um, maybe I could help you figure out what belongs there. In that, uh. Space.” 

Sometimes, Poe confuses Finn. Like now, when he starts acting weird for _no reason._ He feels like he’s not getting something, maybe something that someone normal would understand clearly. He wants to know, he _does,_ but it’s embarrassing, so he doesn’t say anything. 

“I don’t know if this is something you can help with.” Finn smiles sadly. 

“I can sure as hell try.” Poe lets go of his hand — Finn mourns the loss, but it’s semi-made up when Poe snakes an arm around his shoulders and squeezes. 

“You can’t give me a family,” Finn sighs. “Or a home.”

Poe suddenly becomes very still. Against his back, he makes a fist, and slowly withdrawals his arm from its place around the former Stormtrooper. Finn wonders if he’s said something wrong, but he’s afraid to find out. Poe is too quiet, and when Finn looks at him, his face is unreadable.

“That’s true,” Poe says sadly. “I can’t do that.”

Finn isn’t sure what to say, or if he should say anything at all. In an attempt to stay casual, Finn playfully nudges Poe’s side. “I wish you could?” 

He only says it because he isn’t sure why the prospect of Poe not being able to give him a family would be upsetting. It’s true, isn’t it? Poe can’t erase his past, he can’t travel backwards in time and make sure the First Order never steals him. And if he could, Finn’s not even really sure he’d want him to, because then Finn would have never met Poe, or Rey, or any of the people he loves so much. Still, he says it anyway, because what else could possibly be the problem?

Finn realizes that he’s wrong when Poe scoffs and says, “What does that even mean, Finn?” Abruptly, Poe grabs his socks and pulls them on, following suit with his boots.

“What are you doing?” Finn asks, panic setting in. 

“I gotta go.” Poe lies.

“What did I do?” He doesn’t want to pry and make things worse, but he has to know what he did wrong. Instead of giving Finn an answer, Poe just shakes his head and stands up, walking up to the top. Finn follows suit, scrambling to his feet without bothering to put on his shoes. “Poe, what did I do?” He grabs Poe’s shoulder. Poe whips around like he’s been burned, but his expression isn’t all that angry — if anything, he just looks sad. 

“Nothing, buddy. You didn’t do anything. Look, I usually do maintenance at this time anyways, so I really have to get going.”

“You’re lying.” If there’s anything Finn understands, it’s that people aren’t that simple. “Come on, everything was fine a second ago. What did I say?”

“I’m just being an asshole, Finn. Don’t worry about it.” He claps Finn’s shoulder and smiles, but it’s fake, far from the gentle smiles and grins he’s used to. “I gotta go, buddy. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay? But Poe, I—“ Poe turns around while he’s talking, walking away. He waves a hand again.

“Don’t worry about it, kid.” 

Finn stands there, frozen and confused. This is _exactly_ what he’d been so worked up about — how is he supposed to know what’s okay to say? How is he supposed to forget about it, when he doesn’t even understand what the issue was in the first place? How is he supposed to make sure he doesn’t make the same mistake again, when Poe just walks away without a word like that?

He sits on the nearest rock, buries his face in his hands, and sighs deeply. Part of him is angry at Poe, for not giving him the chance to figure out what he’d done. The other part is mad at himself, because he’s clearly too stupid to understand why he’d just upset one of the most important people in his life. On the contrary, Poe said it himself: he was being an asshole. And he _was_ , but Finn doesn’t really understand what he had done, either ― besides being unclear. _Is that even enough to be mad at someone for?_ Finn doesn’t know, he just _doesn’t know,_ and it drives him fucking crazy. Frustrated tears prick at his eyelids, to which he wipes his eyes quickly. 

_Stormtroopers don’t cry_ , he tells himself. _Resistance heroes don’t cry, either._

Him and Poe don’t talk for the rest of the day, until Poe finds him in the bunks and apologizes profusely. He doesn’t tell Finn why he got upset, and Finn doesn’t ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls wash your hands and if you liked it maybe comment ok thank u have a nice day <3

**Author's Note:**

> the waterfall is lowkey inspired by That Scene in Hello, My Old Heart by Charliesmagne[](http://www.google.com) give it a read, it's an amazing fic  
> comments are appreciated, i'm not super confident in my writing so it's nice to get feedback ahah  
> i'm gonna be spending the next few weeks social distancing, so i'm gonna use a lot of that time to crank some writing out. being creative in a time like this really helps!  
> stay safe everyone, and remember, even if you think you're gonna be fine right now, there are other people you can pass the virus to who are much more susceptible.


End file.
